Welcome to Orientation Day

Dear Dr Meyers,

Once again, we welcome you to the medical staff of Exceptional Care Health, where, as you know, our standards are simply higher. By now you have received an orientation packet that includes:

1. A list of mandated courses you must satisfactorily complete in the next two days or your surgical privileges will be revoked.

2. A one-day course schedule to learn to use our new and improved electronic medical record. Of course, this will merely familiarize you with how to sign on and be sure you can bill visits correctly. We'll just let you do trial and error to figure out all that clinical stuff.

3. Given that your department chair and most of the administration are examples of the Peter Principle, we will be offering you some tips on how to manage your boss and survive in our organization, at least until your probationary hiring deadline has passed or you get promoted.

4. A standard issue camouflage coat along with two white coats that have system approved logos that will make it hard for patients to see your name. We do have our priorities. While we encourage new ideas, please don't let them surface until the timing is right and they have been vetted by our sophisticated portfolio management process. Until then, stay under cover.

5. We certainly encourage you to innovate and become part of our Exceptional Care Center for Innovation and Entrepreneurship. Please drop your ideas in any suggestion box conveniently located next to the valet parking podium at the front entrance. Expect to receive some reply in six to eight weeks. Should you not receive a reply, then please let us know by requesting a response in the "did not receive a reply" box in the hospital cafeteria.

6. As you know, Sick Care is getting more and more competitive all the time and we will be sending you an invitation to our next team building exercise and a strategy session designed to eliminate our competition. We know this might not sit well with some staff who feel uncomfortable trying to neutralize colleagues they have worked with for decades or to whom they are married, but, as you know, value is replacing volume and, if we can't compete on that basis, then we'll just ratchet up our budgets and market them into oblivion or acquire them.

7. A chart to guide you through our color-coded care system.

8. A comprehensive list of committees, meetings and educational responsibilities that are part of satisfying our missions. As you know, you will not be compensated for any of this but we are certain you will embrace these opportunities to participate.

9. A campus map indicating where you can pay to park. Please do not use the free parking spaces allocated for valet and patient parking.

10. A description of our consultant-derived compensation scheme that will integrate the latest Medicare guidelines for value-based pay. If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to submit them online to our recently staffed physician compensation complaint specialists in the medical staff office. Thank you for your patience receiving a reply, but we do appreciate your input.

We look forward to your contributions to Exceptional Care Health. See you at the next three-on-three corporate basketball league game. Please be advised that our newly installed facial recognition software system will log you in and we will be including your participation in your provider dashboard.