Cash in on Some Money Humor

Cleaning out old files, my crack staff found the Holy Grail of financial writing; some long-thought-lost humor. And we all know 1) people don’t like to laugh about their money and 2) people will laugh if it can break the tension in our anxieties about money. So here we go.

On taxes, an election cycle evergreen:

• “I’m proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is — I could be just as proud for half the money.” – Arthur Godfrey

• “No taxation without misrepresentation.” — Samual Hofenstein

• “Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.” — Herman Wouk

• “The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling.” — Paula Poundstone

• “The IRS sent back my tax return saying that I owed $800. I said, “If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you have been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.” — Emo Phillips

• One Wall Streeter to another; “I can tell that it’s tax season, I can smell the resentment in the air.” — The Wall Street Journal (WSJ)

On financial advice:

• Grumpy man to his wife, watching a talking head on TV; “How come none of these economists are unemployed?” — WSJ

On retirement:

• In “Dilbert”: Dilbert to Wally, “I saw an article that says most people don’t have any kind of retirement plan.” Wally; “I plan to live an unhealthy lifestyle and pass away in my cubicle, preferably on a Monday.” Dilbert; “That’s a terrible plan.” Wally; “Better than average, according to you.”

• “I will have enough money to live on comfortably in retirement if I die by 4 o’clock.” — Henny Youngman

On investing:

• In Dilbert; Ashok, the intern; “I followed your investment advice and lost all of my savings in the stock market.” Pointy-haired boss; “Did I mention that past performance is not an indication of future returns?” Ashok; “Then how does ‘advice’ actually work?” Pointy-haired boss; “It only works for the people who give it.”

• Dilbert, again; “Ashok; “I bought my first stock and it went up 5% in the first week. That means that I am a stock-picking genius. I plan to max out all of my credit cards and become a day trader.” Dilbert, looking at computer; “The total market was up 6%.” Ashok; “That’s just luck. It can’t do that forever.”

On budgeting:

• “I figured out how we can afford our daughter’s wedding — we’ll just die 2 years early.” – Me