Financial Humor is Not an Oxymoron

In the years that I have been doing this column, of all the subjects in the vast field of personal finance, the toughest items to accumulate are (acceptable) money-based jokes. Folks just get real serious about their money. Or grim. Or bitter. People are rarely light and ha-ha-ha about their assets. But let's try again, and this time you provide your own rim shots.

—The Godfather and his stockbroker go to see their accountant.

The Godfather says, "I know he is deaf and dumb, so sign that if he doesn't tell me where the $3 million that he embezzled from me is, I will blow out his brains with this gun."

After understanding this, the accountant, being frightened for his life, signs back the name of the bank and the account number.

The stockbroker turns and translates to the Godfather: "He says that you don't have the guts!"

—An investment banker at the pier of a small Greek fishing village looks into a small boat with a couple of large tuna in it. He asks the fisherman how long it took to catch the fish and the fisherman says "Just a little while."

So the banker asks, “Why don't you stay out longer and catch more fish?”

The fisherman replies that it is enough to meet his family's needs, and then he has the rest of the day to spend time with them and lounge in the sun with his friends drinking wine and playing cards.

“But you could work hard, build up a fleet, open your own cannery and control distribution from New York or London,” the banker says. “Then you could sell out and be very rich."

"How long would all this take?" asks the fisherman.

"20 or 25 years" is the reply.

"Then what?"

"Well, you could move to a small village, drink wine and play cards with your friends."

—Two financial advisors are in a bank when two masked men pull guns and announce a hold up. The robbers line everyone up against the wall and start taking their jewelry and wallets. The first broker jams something into the pocket of the second broker.

"What's that?" asks the second.

"It's the $500 I owe you," replies the first.

—A stockbroker buys a horse for his estate for $1,000, but straightaway the horse dies. So the broker goes to get his money back from the seller, but is told that the money was already gone.

"Well, I've got the dead horse so I will raffle him off."

"How's that?" asks the horse seller. "Nobody will want a dead horse."

"Sure they will. I just won't tell them he's dead,” says the stockbroker. ”Come back in a month and I’ll explain."

One month later the horse seller returned and asks what happened with the dead horse. The broker says, "I sold 500 tickets for $20 apiece and made a profit of $9,980."

"Well, didn't anybody complain?" asks the farmer.

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $20 back."

—A minister dies and goes into the line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a man in a $5,000 suit and slick hair who tells St. Peter that he was a New York hedge fund manager who had made a fortune using his clients' money. St. Peter looks at his list, smiles, gives the man a gold staff, a silken robe and says "Welcome to Heaven."

Then the minister steps up and proudly says that he has faithfully served his congregation for 40 years. St. Peter looks at his list and hands the minister a wood staff and a cotton robe.

Surprised, the minister says, "Just a minute. Why does the hedge fund manager get gold and silk and I get wood and cotton?"

"Up here, we work by results,” St. Peter answers. “While you preached, people slept. His clients, they prayed."

—A woman pops into her investment advisor husband's office to surprise him for lunch when she finds him sitting stiffly with his attractive secretary squirming in his lap.

Without hesitation he starts dictating "...and in conclusion, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with only one chair!"

—“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by 4 o'clock." — Comedian Henny Youngman.

—A financial planner says to his client "I've reviewed your financial situation, and if we manage your money properly, there should be plenty for both of us."

—Why are the first five letters of the word "broker" "broke”?

—Bull market: a random market movement that leads an investor to mistake himself for a genius.

—If you hear that "everyone" is buying a certain stock, ask yourself, "Who is selling?" and why do all concerned think that they are right?

—And for our Tea Party friends, an oldie but a goodie.

Two colonial types in three cornered hats meet on the street.

"It isn't that I object to taxation without representation, but I also object to taxation WITH representation."

See what I meant about the rim shots?